Today’s Topic:  The Bachelor”ette” (yes that cheesy show on ABC)

Mood Music:  Say It Isn’t So by Hall and Oates

First…..and despite its surrealistic nature….I’m offering a SPOILER WARNING to those of you that have DVRed, TIVOed, etc……this week’s episode of the Bachelorette.  Because, odds are, I’ll never get to do it again, I will repeat…..there’s a SPOILER WARNING for all of you Bachelor”ette” fans out there that haven’t seen this week’s episode. 

And finally, for those that can’t get the hint (despite my manual attempt at ALL CAPS) or for those of you that have no idea what a SPOILER WARNING is….I am going to be talking about the most recent episode of ABC’s “the Bachelorette” in this blog. 

I believe that’s fair warning……eh?

Let’s get one thing straight.  No one (including good guy Jason from last season for those that watch….at least until the “after the final rose” show…..) can possibly, actually, really, seriously….believe that they are going to fall in love on this show…..can they?  Come onnnnnnn people.  Tell me you’re not all that stupid.  Please.  Tell me.

Jillian… something or other (I have no idea what her last name is….which doesn’t bode well for her future after this show’s over…we’ll get into that later) seems like your prototypical sweet, loveable, down to earth, lick lipping Canadian that’s just yearning for a guy that can be her best friend, make her laugh, be willing to move to Canada on a whim, zipline (cause for the love of God that’s part of every other date), and love her the way she deserves to be loved (which, upon recent viewing, doesn’t include sex).  Huh.

Now….don’t get me wrong…..I’m all about the possibility of finding your future partner based on random helicopter rides, ropes course dates, snow shoeing, helicopter rides, the occasional Martina McBride serenade, maybe some horseback riding (wait, not this season…oh), helicopter rides (this time accompanied by “The Bachelor”’s theme song), repelling down the side of a high-rise, helicopter rides, and then….for those lucky few….meeting the parents for a half hour or so over an uncomfortable dinner (stuffed with one-on-one interviews from Mom, Dad, maybe some Jackleg sibling with long hair and a dumbass goatee) and then…..a few days in a remote location that obviously sets a realistic premise for what life might be like….should you decide to pursue marriage with one of these folks….I mean….let’s just say, hypothetically, if your first date is at an ice bar in Whistler…your second date is in Barcelona, Spain, and your third date is on the island of Maui (with the option of foregoing your individual room for the….well, you all know that one by now)…..how in the hell are you going to make it as a normal couple in Vancouver?  It’s easy….you’re not.  Because, despite the fact that Reid soandso (also don’t know his last name or care) seems like exactly what Jillian was looking for (funny, sweet, down to earth, willing to move the Canada…maybe) he was given the boot over a guy that has the personality of a line judge at Wimbledon (yeah…I’m talking about you Kiptyn….just because you got up on that telephone pole with words of encouragement….which I did when I was 12 at Camp Gravatt by the way….and yes, I caught the trapeze too….but that’s for another time….doesn’t mean your 15 minutes of fame become 16…or 17) and a guy that …..ok, this one’s gonna take an actual list:

1) left her for his job in the middle of the show after she gave him a rose just to stay

2) came back (my guess is after his boss told him that he would still be able to keep his job even if he did finish the show….because he was gaining notoriety which really doesn’t hurt business if you know what I mean….that is unless you’re a no-talent-ass-clown that plays country music and runs off at the mouth) and begged her to take him back

3) showed up for a date (on National TV) wearing the fucking worst combination of bad clothes ever seen on a TV set to date…….the damn “I wanna rip my eyes out” blue/gray wife beater, and green and white “I wanna rip my eyes out from the length of the damn things” shorts…..were the worst combination of clothes on a grown man that I’ve ever seen…..honest to God…..at one point I actually had to turn away and I’m fairly certain that if it were filmed in 3D, Ed’s moose knuckle might have actually blinded some people when he decided to relax and cock his bare/but hairy/not quite feminine/but not male looking legs wide open in full view of ABCs cameras.  Thanks ABC for that beautiful shot.  Give that editor a fucking Emmy.  Seriously.

and if you can get past his “I’ve got one last chance to make a “first impression” outfit you get to:

4) meet his parents who, are either utterly shocked at the mere fact that their son is actually dating a woman (because I’m fairly confident that Ed might be gay…..and I feel like they probably share my sentiments)….or are just completely, ridiculously emotional……I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a sentimental bastard, but are all the tears really necessary Dad?  You just fucking met her.

Finally…..let’s just say that if you’re Jillian…..you’re able to overlook ALL that (and take into account you’re also juggling 2 spectacular dates with monotone line judge/possible golf commentator and Reid) and are still seriously considering taking Ed to the final 2.  You decide to forego your individual rooms…..you disappear into the bathroom and change into “something a little more comfortable” and you appear bedside with oil and shit ready to rub that mother down………

……and the dude can’t get a boner…………………….

Do you really need to do any more thinking on the subject?  Seriously. 

I mean, she’s had all of about 10 or so hours of actual conversation with this guy and within those 10 hours he’s managed to break her heart, show up as the worst dressed American in television history, and fail during his only attempt in the bedroom…..and yet…….and yet…..

She fucking chooses him over Reid because Reid couldn’t express his feelings.  

Folks.  That’s about all I can take of that shit.  I’m not saying that sex is the deciding factor in a relationship, but if you’ve got one chance to make an impression sexually, and you bring a limp dick to the table……..let’s just say that things aren’t looking “up” if you know what I mean.

and the saddest part of all is that Jillian will exit this show when it’s over, head back to Canada, or California with Kiptyn, or Chicago with Ed, briefly…..realize that Kiptyn is like hanging out with a crossing guard, Ed is like hanging out with a poorly dressed woman, and end up….alone….in Canada….her 15 plus minutes gone……alone. 

Don’t get me wrong…I know there are those of you cussing me under your breath, saying that I shouldn’t be watching this crap anyway.  Sue me.  It’s entertaining.  Maybe more so by the fact that they market it as a show about a woman that’s trying to find love than anything else.  That is just humorous at this point.

So….for all of you Bachelor/ette fans out there….I’m right there with you……through the foot fetish of Tanner, the dog howl singing voice of Wes, and the impotence of Ed…..I’m watching….fascinated….

just don’t expect me to buy into the concept that any of these people are actually looking for love…..especially Jillian…. who’s gone from wanting a companion that will make her laugh to choosing 2 finalists that are utterly laughable.  (unless of course….she decides to give Reid another chance and ultimately picks him….which I’m gonna go out on a limb and call right now by the way)….because, otherwise, I’m done with the franchise….and honestly…..I’m banking on the fact that for once, despite my inclinations, I want to believe a woman that tells us the most important thing that she’s looking for in a man is for him to make her laugh and maybe, just maybe, that’s not just a load of crap…. 

I’ll talk at you all again later. 

“say it isn’t so painful to tell me that you’re dissatisfied”