“you don’t really know what you got til’ it’s gone”

Today’s Topic:  Fridge Heaven, Grape Gatorade, and the disappearance of chicken littles

Mood Music:  Where’d You Go by Fort Minor

Folks.  I really wanted to share a photo with you all.  It’s something that you don’t see everyday…..and certainly not as a kid (unless you’re extremely lucky…or thirsty…which might not necessarily be a good thing…or if you’re a certain friend of mine and patron of fridge in said picture, we’ll call him Ed). 

You see, the picture below represents a kind of euphoria that exists only in childhood imagination…..a place so full of things that make you happy that it’s almost inevitably a mirage…..until you come across it and reach inside and grab a root beer….and you realize….oh yeah….it’s real…and A & W root beer is delicious.  Seriously, when’s the last time you actually had an A & W root beer? 

More on that later. 

I mean….there were times when I was younger that some friends and I would stay over at Ed’s and I believe I’d catch myself just going over to the fridge and opening it to make sure it was all still in there.  There was Gatorade (orange, lemon-lime, fruit punch, and Ed’s favorite…I believe…Citrus Cooler….I’m gonna admit….I wasn’t a big fan of the Citrus Cooler…and while on the subject….pardon me while I nix the parentheses to expound on this for a moment)….

why was it…and is it (because it’s still a problem that defies logic even in 2009 amidst “G” and whatever other concoctions of Gatorade that have quietly evolved into a full fridge section at your local Kwik Shop)…

that they don’t make a damn normal size bottle of GRAPE Gatorade?   My God.  It seems like a no brainer doesn’t it?  Kinda like the original recipe chicken sandwich at KFC (more later).  Anyone else love Grape Gatorade?  Anyone else found yourself not buying it because a) you’re not in the mood to have to screw off the sippy cap of a 20 oz bottle…that I believe is made for marathon runners so that they won’t spill any of it as they run (which is seemingly convenient, but utterly maddening for people like me who just want some damn Grape flavored “G” or as Mitch Hedberg used to say, “thirsty dudes” who aren’t concerned with spillage necessarily or running a marathon…or to the mailbox for that matter, but would prefer our Gatorade in 16, not 20 oz doses) or b) really not in the mood to buy a damn 32 oz drink because….well, that’s a list all its own but let’s just say as of 2009 there’s no drink holder, I know of,  built to fit the massive plastic bottom of a 32 oz Gatorade  and to be honest….32 oz of Gatorade is a shit ton of liquid…..I mean, it doesn’t hold a candle to the mind numbingly, thirst quenchingly, brain freezingly, seemingly cup breakingly huge 96 oz fountain drinks that ye ole’ Kangaroo used to sell (I believe those were called “bladder busters”? or something like that…someone please help me on that one)…but still….32 oz is like slamming 3 cokes…minus the carbonation, sugar, caffeine….ok, just in a purely quantitative comparison….they’re similar….it’s a lot of drink….just to get the damn Grape flavor is my point.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah….KFC chicken sandwiches……another thing that always blew me away (apart from the now 2 decade disappearance of the chicken little…which will hold its spot in history as possibly the greatest tasting sandwich for it’s size ever made….why they never came back still baffles me….I mean, McDonalds can break out the McRib once a year….come on KFC…get with the program.  It’s a small amount of breaded chicken….and it’s delicious. )  was why KFC never (until recently I believe) took it upon themselves to make a chicken sandwich that was ……..wait for it……….fried with the original recipe that they use for the chicken.  God it seems so simple doesn’t it?  And it’s got to be good….I mean, the whole damn world loves the flavor of original recipe fried chicken from KFC…..and if you’re shaking your head….you’re just lying to yourself.  Don’t get me wrong….I’ve had mashed potatoes from Kentucky Fried Chicken that tasted like poison……seriously…..I really haven’t been back to be honest…..my taste buds were shot for weeks.  It was like getting really scared in the house by yourself at night….you know when you just fucking jump and there’s literally not a soul around you.  It takes a while to get back in that situation without wanting to cut on the lights or run at top speed down the hall.  Now multiply that consternation by 10 and you’ve got my fear of KFC mashed potatoes.  Even still, there’s nothing like their fried chicken….and one day….once the bullshit craze of “grilled” chicken from KFC passes over….come on people…..we don’t go to KFC to eat healthy…..screw the damn grilled chicken…who are you trying to fool? 

One Day…..when I have children of my own……and a fully stocked fridge….not nearly as beautiful as the Murphy’s fridge that’s pictured above (which is a recent shot by the way….for those that were wondering…it’s been like 20 years and that baby’s still stocked…and I would personally like to thank the Murphys for ounces upon ounces of liquid delight….granted…there are a few more “diet” beverages these days…but hey….who’s checking)

One Day….I will grab a 16 oz GRAPE Gatorade from my fridge….place it in the drink holder of my car as I wheel the kids off to get some chicken littles from KFC and despite the fact that I’ve been poisoned in the past….I’m gonna order a large side of mashed potatoes….ok, maybe not that, but a side order of Popcorn chicken…….and flip off McDonalds as I drive by staring at the “for a limited time only….the McRib is Back!!!” banner hanging from the window.

A man can dream.

I’ll talk at you all again later.

“it seems one thing has been true all along……”

“if there’s a doubt maybe I can give out a thousand reasons why”

Today’s Topic:  The Bachelor”ette” (yes that cheesy show on ABC)

Mood Music:  Say It Isn’t So by Hall and Oates

First…..and despite its surrealistic nature….I’m offering a SPOILER WARNING to those of you that have DVRed, TIVOed, etc……this week’s episode of the Bachelorette.  Because, odds are, I’ll never get to do it again, I will repeat…..there’s a SPOILER WARNING for all of you Bachelor”ette” fans out there that haven’t seen this week’s episode. 

And finally, for those that can’t get the hint (despite my manual attempt at ALL CAPS) or for those of you that have no idea what a SPOILER WARNING is….I am going to be talking about the most recent episode of ABC’s “the Bachelorette” in this blog. 

I believe that’s fair warning……eh?

Let’s get one thing straight.  No one (including good guy Jason from last season for those that watch….at least until the “after the final rose” show…..) can possibly, actually, really, seriously….believe that they are going to fall in love on this show…..can they?  Come onnnnnnn people.  Tell me you’re not all that stupid.  Please.  Tell me.

Jillian… something or other (I have no idea what her last name is….which doesn’t bode well for her future after this show’s over…we’ll get into that later) seems like your prototypical sweet, loveable, down to earth, lick lipping Canadian that’s just yearning for a guy that can be her best friend, make her laugh, be willing to move to Canada on a whim, zipline (cause for the love of God that’s part of every other date), and love her the way she deserves to be loved (which, upon recent viewing, doesn’t include sex).  Huh.

Now….don’t get me wrong…..I’m all about the possibility of finding your future partner based on random helicopter rides, ropes course dates, snow shoeing, helicopter rides, the occasional Martina McBride serenade, maybe some horseback riding (wait, not this season…oh), helicopter rides (this time accompanied by “The Bachelor”’s theme song), repelling down the side of a high-rise, helicopter rides, and then….for those lucky few….meeting the parents for a half hour or so over an uncomfortable dinner (stuffed with one-on-one interviews from Mom, Dad, maybe some Jackleg sibling with long hair and a dumbass goatee) and then…..a few days in a remote location that obviously sets a realistic premise for what life might be like….should you decide to pursue marriage with one of these folks….I mean….let’s just say, hypothetically, if your first date is at an ice bar in Whistler…your second date is in Barcelona, Spain, and your third date is on the island of Maui (with the option of foregoing your individual room for the….well, you all know that one by now)…..how in the hell are you going to make it as a normal couple in Vancouver?  It’s easy….you’re not.  Because, despite the fact that Reid soandso (also don’t know his last name or care) seems like exactly what Jillian was looking for (funny, sweet, down to earth, willing to move the Canada…maybe) he was given the boot over a guy that has the personality of a line judge at Wimbledon (yeah…I’m talking about you Kiptyn….just because you got up on that telephone pole with words of encouragement….which I did when I was 12 at Camp Gravatt by the way….and yes, I caught the trapeze too….but that’s for another time….doesn’t mean your 15 minutes of fame become 16…or 17) and a guy that …..ok, this one’s gonna take an actual list:

1) left her for his job in the middle of the show after she gave him a rose just to stay

2) came back (my guess is after his boss told him that he would still be able to keep his job even if he did finish the show….because he was gaining notoriety which really doesn’t hurt business if you know what I mean….that is unless you’re a no-talent-ass-clown that plays country music and runs off at the mouth) and begged her to take him back

3) showed up for a date (on National TV) wearing the fucking worst combination of bad clothes ever seen on a TV set to date…….the damn “I wanna rip my eyes out” blue/gray wife beater, and green and white “I wanna rip my eyes out from the length of the damn things” shorts…..were the worst combination of clothes on a grown man that I’ve ever seen…..honest to God…..at one point I actually had to turn away and I’m fairly certain that if it were filmed in 3D, Ed’s moose knuckle might have actually blinded some people when he decided to relax and cock his bare/but hairy/not quite feminine/but not male looking legs wide open in full view of ABCs cameras.  Thanks ABC for that beautiful shot.  Give that editor a fucking Emmy.  Seriously.

and if you can get past his “I’ve got one last chance to make a “first impression” outfit you get to:

4) meet his parents who, are either utterly shocked at the mere fact that their son is actually dating a woman (because I’m fairly confident that Ed might be gay…..and I feel like they probably share my sentiments)….or are just completely, ridiculously emotional……I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a sentimental bastard, but are all the tears really necessary Dad?  You just fucking met her.

Finally…..let’s just say that if you’re Jillian…..you’re able to overlook ALL that (and take into account you’re also juggling 2 spectacular dates with monotone line judge/possible golf commentator and Reid) and are still seriously considering taking Ed to the final 2.  You decide to forego your individual rooms…..you disappear into the bathroom and change into “something a little more comfortable” and you appear bedside with oil and shit ready to rub that mother down………

……and the dude can’t get a boner…………………….

Do you really need to do any more thinking on the subject?  Seriously. 

I mean, she’s had all of about 10 or so hours of actual conversation with this guy and within those 10 hours he’s managed to break her heart, show up as the worst dressed American in television history, and fail during his only attempt in the bedroom…..and yet…….and yet…..

She fucking chooses him over Reid because Reid couldn’t express his feelings.  

Folks.  That’s about all I can take of that shit.  I’m not saying that sex is the deciding factor in a relationship, but if you’ve got one chance to make an impression sexually, and you bring a limp dick to the table……..let’s just say that things aren’t looking “up” if you know what I mean.

and the saddest part of all is that Jillian will exit this show when it’s over, head back to Canada, or California with Kiptyn, or Chicago with Ed, briefly…..realize that Kiptyn is like hanging out with a crossing guard, Ed is like hanging out with a poorly dressed woman, and end up….alone….in Canada….her 15 plus minutes gone……alone. 

Don’t get me wrong…I know there are those of you cussing me under your breath, saying that I shouldn’t be watching this crap anyway.  Sue me.  It’s entertaining.  Maybe more so by the fact that they market it as a show about a woman that’s trying to find love than anything else.  That is just humorous at this point.

So….for all of you Bachelor/ette fans out there….I’m right there with you……through the foot fetish of Tanner, the dog howl singing voice of Wes, and the impotence of Ed…..I’m watching….fascinated….

just don’t expect me to buy into the concept that any of these people are actually looking for love…..especially Jillian…. who’s gone from wanting a companion that will make her laugh to choosing 2 finalists that are utterly laughable.  (unless of course….she decides to give Reid another chance and ultimately picks him….which I’m gonna go out on a limb and call right now by the way)….because, otherwise, I’m done with the franchise….and honestly…..I’m banking on the fact that for once, despite my inclinations, I want to believe a woman that tells us the most important thing that she’s looking for in a man is for him to make her laugh and maybe, just maybe, that’s not just a load of crap…. 

I’ll talk at you all again later. 

“say it isn’t so painful to tell me that you’re dissatisfied”